I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
