I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
what day is it and did you see me today?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
