I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
