please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
