i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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