I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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