I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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