well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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