If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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