Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
