yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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