Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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