Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I need to sanitize my soul.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
