She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
