he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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