dude i'm inner monologue high
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
