the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
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