i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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