ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
