I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
