if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
