while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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