Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
