got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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