i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
