I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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