Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
