I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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