I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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