mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
