gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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