Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
this will be a night to untag.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
