when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
