all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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