just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
