Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she told me i tasted like america
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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