Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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