I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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