T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
