it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
