i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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