Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
