3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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