I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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