her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
