i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
