remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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