im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
