Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Randomize
