i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
