I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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